SAW
by meercatsie
Summary: What would happen if the saw killer picked a bunch of random idiots from movies and tv shows with a couple of my own characters thrown in too...


**Characters**

**Helen, teen with short spikey hair, very hyperactive and a bit strange, very strong.**

**Chapman, small ratfaced boy, scruffy short hair, very skinny and weedy, tells awful jokes and is very boring.**

**Emma, short, eldest of the teens quite skinny, is a movie buff, has long brown hair. **

**Adam brody, from the oc **

**Benjiman mackenzie, from the oc**

**Matt damon, bourne series **

**Jake gyllenhaal ,brokeback mountain**

**Jesse eisenberg ,a film called cursed**

**Mark lemar, presents tv quiz show nevermind the buzzcocks**

**Simon amstell, used to present tv quiz show never mind the buzz cocks**

**SAW**

Emma woke up in a large room where her friends Helen and Chapman were sat on the floor looking bored. Also in the room was Adam brody and benjiman mackenzie from the o.c pretending they were still in high school, jake gyllenhaal from broke back mountain pretending he was a cowboy,matt damon pretending to be jason bourne, Jesse eisenberg from cursed pretending to be a werewolf and simon amstell and Mark lemar working on their jokes for nevermind the buzzcocks.

"Hey, whet the hell's going on?" Emma asked

"Well we're locked in this room we would have left but the door was locked" Replied Chapman

"Oh?"

"Yeah we did try to rouse you with this stick but you're a really heavy sleeper"

Suddenly a voice began to echo around the room

_'Hello finally you're all awake. you are all here because you don't appreciate your life, as we speak the room is filling with poisonous gas, you have a hour to get out of the room before you die'_

"What did he say?" asked Emma not listening to the important bits

"Hmm, poisonous gas? I wonder what that does," Chapman pondered

"I hate you" Helen stated

"Oh no!" Chapman gasped, "Maybe it turns us inside out so we die?!"

"Ignoring you. Right so how long do we have left before we get poisoned?" Asked Helen

"Oh my god! Poisonous gas that poisons us! I didn't see that coming" Chapman screamed

"Alright did anyone see something that could help us?" Emma asked hopefully.

"Ooh! I saw a nice little man in a mask riding around on a bicycle!" Chapman replied.

"Okay...anyone else?"

"The next person to say something unhelpful is going to get it" Helen warned.

"I spoke to a demonic rabbit called Frank in one of my films" Jake said also hopefully

"That's it!!!" Helen yelled and dived over the table tackling Jake to the floor.

"Right, there's only one thing for it!" Adam yelled, "We need to find a box and a spoon!"

"Excuse me?" Said Helen with her hands still wrapped around Jakes neck

"A spoon for digging and a box to hide in whilst we're digging!" Adam replied.

The room went silent.

"Not only is the floor made of concrete but the box just is pointless" Jesse eisenberg said

"That was definatly a stupid idea!" Helen said getting off Jake and gunning for Adam instead.

"NOOOO!!! I NEED TO FIND A SPOON!!!" Adam screamed and ran off.

"Any way back to the plan" Said matt trying to ignore the stupidity

"The spoon?" Asked Ben

"No!"

"Oh"

"Right well since there's no way out of here I think we should play a quiz!" Chapman said as everyone eyed him

"Well how do you propose we do that?" asked Jake

"Well he's a presenter" Chapman said pointing to Simon

"Yes i am aren't i?" Simon said rather giddilly "And that box looks a bit like a desk doesn't it?" He said sitting down behind the box pretending it was a desk.

"I want to be presenter!" Mark said trying to sit behind the box as well

"Hey you guy's found a box!" Adam said stopping beside them and looking in awe.

"Look everybody sit down and listen to the quiz!!!" Chapman yelled much to the surprise of everyone.

Suddenly Helen thundered in and knocked Adam to the ground.

"Thank you" Replied Chapman, at this everyone sat to have a quiz.

"Alright we'll start off easy, what is the capital of France"

"Par-" Jesse began as Helen shoved him over

"I want to answer!" Helen said and then went into a moment of thought "...Cheese?"

"I'm sorry that's the wrong answer" Simon replied as mark eyed him

"Swansea?"

"A spoon?" Adam asked as Helen glared

"Wine?" Said Helen

"Nope."

"Cheese?" asked Helen

"I just told you no" Simon replied

"F?"

"Alright who said that?"

"Japan?"

"You can't possibly be this stupid, that's a completely different country!" Mark said hovering beside Simon.

"Brown?" Emma offered as Simon Furrowed his brow

"The answer was Paris okay" Simon said to an amazed room.

"Hey i was going to say that!" Jesse said outraged

"Uh, yeah, yeah I was gonna' say that" Matt pretended

"Yeah me too" Jake joined in

"Okay Helen, Next question, I'll make it an easy one...What colour is an orange?"

The room fell into a silence.

"Oh i know this one, they're all Orange coloured just like Oranges" Helen said continuing to think

"Oh my god you answered a question!" Emma said happily

"No no don't rush me Emma" Helen said flapping her arms around.

"Is it Orange?" Asked Helen finally

"Thank Christ for that" Simon said relieved

"My turn to be host!" Mark said and quickly knocked Simon out of the way taking his place behind the box.

"That was an easy question!!" Chapman moaned

"So... shut up!" Helen yelled

"Okay I don't think we should play this game anymore" Matt said jumping between them

"Wait i didn't get chance to be presenter...Damn!!!" Mark said and then stomped off into the corner.

"Well the quiz actually succeeded in making us feel even worse" Jesse stated.

"Alright who's bloody idea was it to have this quiz?!" Helen asked eying Chapman

"Now, now Helen don't be hasty" Chapman said looking worried

"Well I've beaten everyone else here for being stupid, to be honest I don't know how you've lasted this long"

"That's not true, you haven't whacked Emma yet and she's stupid most of the time" Replied Chapman

"That's true" Helen said letting Chapman go and ensuing to chase Emma round the room.

"Arghhh!" Emma screamed as Helen jumped on her

"It's not my fault Chapman warped my fragile little brain, I'm impressionable" Emma said as a look of thought passed over Helens face.

"That git!!!" Helen yelled and jumped on Chapman instead "How dare you warp Emma's mind!" Helen yelled pummelling Chapman

"Enough!" Jesse yelled and everyone looked up in shock.

"I hate you!" Helen screamed jumping on Jesse instead.

Everyone abruptly ignored this.

"Emma look, I've drawn up an escape plan" Chapman said pointing to a crudely drawn map in some dust.

"If it has anything to do with spoons I don't want to know" Emma replied

"No, no come and look!" He said ushering Emma towards the corner of the room.

Emma looked at the delves in the dust.

"that's really boring. I wasted part of my life reading that and I want it back" Emma said as Chapman looked disappointed.

"It's getting kind of cold in here huh?" Ben said trying to stop another fight break out.

"Well I have a lighter!" Helen said excitedly "Does anybody have any deodorant?" Helen asked as somebody passed her a can.

"Now some body stand still while I squirt this flamethrower near you to warm you up," Helen said with deodorant at the ready.

Nearby Chapman was boring Emma with interesting stories of his life.

"Um are you sure that's such a good idea?" Ben said as Helen squirted the flamethrower setting Emma's jacket on fire.

"And then the other day I spent three hours making a cheese sandwich because the bun had seeds on and I had to pick off every individual seed..." Chapman droned on without noticing the flames.

"Excuse me" Emma said and then began to run around in circles wildly

"Uh oh" Said Helen "Don't worry I'll put you out!" Helen yelled picking a bit of wood off the floor and thwacking Emma in the back with it.

"OW! Helen why?!!!" Emma yelled as Jesse ran over and gave Emma a lengthy squirt with a fire extinguisher.

"And then after I'd picked off every individual seed I decided that I didn't even want it anymore, isn't that funny?" Chapman said and then laughed at his own joke "Emma? Emma! You're not even listening to me are you? Oh well that's bloody great, even my friends don't appreciate me!" Chapman ranted

"Chapman. Shut up" Mark said bluntly.

"Well Helen, you've ruined my jacket" Emma said eyeing Helen "Wait a second! Where did you get a fire extinguisher?"

"It was conveniently placed over there" Jesse pointed to the corner "There's also a key with a note attached reading - use in door"

"How do you think we're going to get out of here then?" Asked Ben, as Jesse looked annoyed at the stupidity.

"We're not. We're going to die" Chapman grumbled

"Very helpful" Replied Helen

"I could play some soothing music by hitting this stick on the ground?" Jake offered

"You're right!" Chapman said, "That will lighten our spirits and therefore give us better escape ideas!"

Jake begun to happily hit the stick on the floor making nothing more than an annoying whacking sound.

"Will you cut that out?" Adam said grabbing his head "I have a headache you know"

"No time for playing music" Helen said smacking the stick out of his hand, Jake stared in disappointment.

"Thank you" Said Adam

"If we sing at the right pitch maybe the door will open!" Helen said as if this were the best idea ever and then started singing badly.

"Aww has anybody got a paracetamol?" Asked Adam

"Hmm, it's not working" Helen said sounding surprised

"I wonder why?" Emma said sarcastically

"Maybe if we shout instead?" Helen said

"Why on earth would that work?" Simon asked with a raised eyebrow

"It worked on police academy!" Helen shot back

"That was a film."

"Okay then," Helen said looking irritated "I have another idea, let's use Simon to knock down the door!"

"What?!" Simon said as Helen grabbed him and slammed him into the door. Simon bounced off and landed uncomfortably on the floor.

"Finished?" Jesse asked looking unimpressed "Now maybe we can use the key?" Jesse said walking over to the door and opening it as everyone stared in amazement.

"And you couldn't have done that before she threw me into the door?" Simon said

"Just letting you get all the idiocy out of your systems" Replied Jesse and he opened the door.


End file.
